It's not even light out...

I feel haggard.  I've spent the last few weeks picking up hours at work, going back and forth between swing shift and graveyard without consecutive days off.  The last two that I had were spent at the dentist getting a wisdom tooth surgically extracted from inside of my jaw, and the rest was spent in a medicine sleep.

I am trying to part from the medication I am given for it, but by the end of the day, it feels like my head has been hit with a brick, and I cave.  Lately, I am constantly tired, feel weak, and have nausea as part of the side effects.  My legs struggle when biking and I have been taking the max home after my shifts because of this.

I have this Friday and Saturday off.  It wasn't supposed to be this way, just another single day off, but there was a trade.  I am relieved for it, because I don't think I'd make it.  My body is in serious need of rest and rejuvination. I can feel it breaking down under the medicine and under the stress.  I have a sinus infection that refuses to part ways.

So, this weekend is about the bliss of nothingness.  I have two days off, one one, two off again.

I am going to start by letting my body rest Friday. Do not push self to do chores or run errands.  I will stay home and rest.  Lie in my bed and listen to meditative music and eat soup and drink tons of water.

It needs to be done.

I won't make specific plans for the rest.  All I know is that at some point, acupuncture needs to be done, and at another, I need to return to yoga.  But my body needs some help.  My heart needs some help.

But for now, work.  I am so fucking sick of it.

Shut your eyes and think of somewhere
Somewhere cold and caked in snow
By the fire we break the quiet
Learn to wear each other well

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

Shut your eyes, I spin the big chair
And you'll feel dizzy, light, and free
And falling gently on the cushion
You can come and sing to me

And when the worrying starts to hurt
and the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
you can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

Words make me miserable.  I felt I understood them better once.  They used to be a part of me and now they are falling apart.

It's been years.  I blame my tendency to fall too into my lovers lives and not share my own, nor embrace it.  I'm peeling away the layers, trying to find what I am inside.  I resent love because somehow, through it's journey, I've forgotten who I am at the core of this.

I used to be words.  I used to be a philosopher in my own way.  I used to mold the world however I wanted on the page.  I got wrapped up in them.  In Andy, I at least recognized I had started to forfeit my sense of self to his selfishness - his desire and need to embrace only his hobbies and dreams, never really meeting in the middle.  I fought it.  He couldn't take it.  He left, telling me he couldn't love someone who doesn't love themselves.  I said, I do love myself, but I've been losing myself to your path and that's what makes me crazy.

But still, it hurts.  It hurts to know that someone so incredible can live with such a closed mind, who in the end chose to kick down the wounded.  Rejection is never easy, and I accept the blame for not handling it better on my end.  It seems that I lacked enough patience to show him love through our differences, even when it existed.  Too much understanding and too many words were grasped far too late.  I'm not sure I could ever make him understand, but so far, he's the one I've had the most hope in.  It makes me worry for the future, and the people who will walk into my life.

I realize that all anyone ever really wants is to be loved, despite how hard they act.  I haven't been myself.  I've chosen distractions over the pain.  I drink, smoke, and fuck like a professional, but when I lie in bed alone at night it weighs on me.  I finally understood what it was like to be loved back, only to watch that shatter.  I miss the warmth and comfort.  I miss the feelings of purity and innocence.  I miss being the only one in another's eyes.  I miss the beginning where I felt understood.

I'm not sure where the understanding was lost - perhaps there are such concepts of too honest or too crazy or too messed up of a life to accept - but it was there once.  When it faded, I became frustrated, angry, hostile.  Communication changed then faded.  Things were too hard.  He stayed out later.  I hid in sleep more.  We fought.  I lost interest in doing things.  Sometimes I felt I wasn't making my own decisions.  The light that he had shown me dimmed and died.  I missed when things were simple.

And now, I struggle in new ways.  I got hurt by the same souce of light - the innocence and love.  I tried putting up a wall like I once had - tried to embrace the darker side of myself that feeds off of shallow things.  The wall doesn't work.  Somewhere inside of me I know that love exists - for myself and for others - and I know how much better it is than the misadventures my dark side has created.  The light is in that and it craves to burn brightly again, but the pain is still overwhelming.  I fight to get out of my rut every day when I make the decision of whether to stay in or go out.  Inside, I am protected from further pain.  I am free to be as crazy as I need to be.  I am not judged.  I don't have to act like I am together.  Outside, I have more opportunity to heal - through exercise, social interaction, adventures.  I can create a new world with new people, but at the same time, I still hurt and it makes me tired and I sometimes have to put a mask on.  It wears me out to put on a facade.  Then again, sometimes faking it is the best way to actually start being it.

So I am on a quest to expand my world.  I am on a spiritual quest to calm my pain and reclaim myself.  I must know that I will not always make it out, but I must try.  Fatigue has many sources, and sometimes my job will have me needing to catch up on sleep.  But.  I can't hide if I feel depressed.  I can't hide if I am scared.  The way to heal will have to be a balance between isolation and socialization, staying in or going out, reconnecting with words and reconnecting with the world.  Meditation and conversation.


----

Jaime.  I know I owe you a letter and then some.  I'll work on it tonight at work if it's not too crazy there.

I am moved.  I am on a curious, only semi reliable borrowed internet.  Ahem.

Things are well.  I do feel a million percent better than I did.

We have our rooms set up.  All we need now is to finish off kitchen and living area.

I am quite smitten with this little house.

I love my roommate.  And everyone who helped move.

It's amazing.

Simply amazing.

moving starting tomorrow.  net will go bye bye for a few weeks.

it's okay.

i can pop in at random coffee shops and say hello, which i will when i can.

service will be back up as soon as possible.

other than that, i'm tired, ready for this bullshit to be over with.  i'm so tired.  and so sick of the male gender at the moment.

now andy is being tolerable and cj is being an ass.

it's always something.

jesus christ.

talk to you soon.

That storm yesterday?  Caused something interesting in town.

For the first time in my four years at that hospital, mass casualties were called.  Something about the storm.  People having severe respiratory failure.  I am not one hundred percent on what happened, but it sounds like it was either severe allergic reactions when the wind started blowing, or some sort of water lung from the acute shift in weather.

Crazy night.  Need sleep now.

Alright, so he showed up for the thing.  Called me about a half an hour after I called him and said he was on his way home.

He went downstairs to wake CJ, and I heard him call me insane.  He knew I was in earshot.  He didn't deny it.

Apparently me being stressed out because the two dumbfucks couldn't communicate with me makes me insane.  All I asked was to decide a time, and get back to me.  It had to be done today because I cannot get on the lease at my new place without getting off the lease here first.

I talked to him about it, and he half-assedly apologized.  A lot of words were exchanged, until finally, through tears, I said,

"After all of this is over, I'm only calling you to straighten out the final utilities.  I don't want to stay friends with you."

Finally, he showed he has some shred of a soul left and cried.  Started mumbling things about artwork he wanted to create for me and all of that.

I said, "that's up to you.  If you want to be friends, then I need to see the good in you.  All I've seen is the asshole you've let take over, and I'm sick of it.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.  I've worked too damn hard to pick myself up from it, and I'll be damned if I let someone kick me down with their words, even if I loved them once."

In all reality, I think I just let go.  I am done with this person in my life.

Wow.  So pissed.  So very pissed.

We are supposed to go to the rental company before 11 to sign me off of the lease.

Guess who isn't here?

Right.  Andy.  After I told him a million times.

God damn it.

I am so mad.

Somehow, they look up.  We got the house.  The deposit is more than I had hoped.  But we will deal.  I'll be just barely getting by without a cash advance.  That makes me happy enough.

Kitties coming home tomorrow.  Sylvia and I will be watching cartoons and hanging out with them for much of the night.

So excited.

June 8th.

Thank god.

I went to the beach with my mom.  It was wonderful.  We played fetch with her dog in the sand, ate wonderful food, and enjoyed the hot tub.

Much of my stress subsided.

Then, yesterday.

I returned home and started packing for my move.  This made me unbelievably sad, because, although I know we are better off, it still hurts.  This was my home.  Our home.  We made it together.  I was in love with someone once.

I got a call on the house Kelly and I applied for.  It is bittersweet.  We got it, but have to pay an additional 400 on the deposit.  Something on Kelly's end.  Going to be really fucking broke.

So Sylvia said she would come over.  When I heard a car pull up, I thought it was her.  It wasn't.  It was a white car with a blond girl driving, Andy in the passenger seat.  I swear I saw him kiss her.  Guard fell down, and crying and screaming commenced.  A lot of things were said on my end.  Things I had bottled up for so long.  I yelled at him for neglecting his cats, and asked if that girl was the reason.  I expressed the importance of responsibility, and told him that I had done my best to make myself scarce so he could be here comfortably... by either being out or in my room... but at the end of the day, I was always home because I know I have shit to do here, and he could take a cue.

Then I told him that the whole thing he said when we were breaking up about me not loving myself... is bullshit.  I said, "you never stopped criticizing me, to the point where I started to doubt every decision I made.  I didn't want to do anything because it seemed like no matter what I would do, you had a better answer.  Don't do that to the next one.  You never let me have a voice.  It was fine for you to have an opinion on things, but once I expressed how I felt, suddenly you were being censored.  It's bullshit.  So fuck you."

I proceeded to tell him about how I've been out biking so much since we've broken up, because I don't feel like I HAVE to to make someone happy.

So much hurt and anger at the moment.

Sylvia showed a little afterward.  Alcohol was consumed.  I didn't hurt so badly anymore.  Funny that.  Can't make it a solution to my problems, though, like my dad did.  However, until Sylvia leaves me on June 13th to work for her family for the summer, I might be partying a little more than is usual for me.  Many reasons for that.  But I need to calm down afterward.

Aye, trying to breathe.  Trying to fathom going back to sleep.  Trying to cope with the idea of work tonight.  Apparently our boss stayed all fucking night to micromanage last night.  Do not want.

Dear Andy:

I know that our current living situation is not ideal, and I am working to rectify that.  However, it is no excuse for you to neglect your cats.

More nights than not I am coming home to Bacon giving me shit because you aren't around to feed her.

You can abandon me, but you can't abandon them.  Keep this shit up and I will take them with me.

Oh, and you're welcome.

No love,

Me.

Okay, well, that whole thing about luck turning (knock on wood)... my fucking car overheated on our way to the rental company (we had to give them our ID's and SS cards).  It occurred to me that this might be a result of neglecting my car for way too long.  For the past couple of months, I've been going on about how I need an oil change and fluid topped off.  Only I never got there.  Right.  Good job, moron.

So, I parked my car at a school and we hopped the max to the rental company.  Did our thing, got some food at a delightful Mexican food place, and hopped the max back to my car.

One gallon of distilled water later, and my car is much happier.  At the moment, I cannot afford a full on oil change, but I will take it out to have my fluids topped off asap.  Kelly is sort of crafty with things like that - I think she knows how to change oil and do a few other things (her dad is a mechanic), so I'll have a talk with her about the basics after we move.

Brought home boxes.  I need to pack.  Rental company said we probably won't hear back from them until about Tuesday or Weds, and from there we can put a deposit down and decide our move in date. However, my brain says, let's take a nap and go out partying instead.

Ok, brain.  Because you were so on top of things with the car.  Or not.

I work tonight and tomorrow... after five days on a normal shift, the staying up all night business is frickin killing me.

Saturday, I am going to see the kittens and also hang out with Sylvia.  I think that I can definitely get some boxes together.

Now, who wants to bring me some coffee?

(Knock on wood.)

Kelly and I put in our apps for the house.  Currently, it is taken off the available list on the website (good sign, right?).

And...

This morning, after being broken for over a week, my passenger seat belt suddenly decided to work again.  So now my car doesn't beep at me when I am driving.  And I can have a passenger (will try to avoid breaking it again during the move).

I also ran the numbers for moving, and I will make it if we have to move before the 12th... but it will be a close one.  I'll be at 200 even after dual rents, deposits, etc.  So I think I might just use my credit card for store purchases, and use my paycheck on the 12th to pay it off, before interest catches up.  I'm nervous about going to the beach with my mom and dining out, but I need to be out, so I'll make it.  Somehow.

Hannah was nice enough to suspend my payments until June, and then she will go to 25 every 2 weeks for June, and back to 50 in July.  I love that woman.  Other than that, my shit is paid and up to date.  I've got this.

Whereas I am thankful to have employment and money in today's society, I am very upset that I have to go back to work.

It's been a lovely five days off, and I have gotten some good sleep.  Right now, I am yawning because I am so not on a night schedule, and the idea of curling up in my bed is so enticing.  I have a headache and I am soooo sleepy.

*sigh*

Will have to put in for another Sunday off soon.

( Beatles love. )



I keep treading along in life.  I am out, I am social, I am doing okay.  I am the epitome of calm, the very center of the universe.  I've got this.  I've got this.  Yes, I am still healing, but I'm happy, and determined to be so.  I cannot change this situation.  I cannot change anyone's mind but my own... and sometimes, you know, the damn thing changes on its own.

I really do understand that this is all for the better.  I believe that, when I look at the difference in myself.  There is undeniable happiness in my reflection now.  What ever part of me I lost in the confusion, I have been reunited with.  I am second guessing myself much less without someone to sit and criticize how I will spend my day, where I am going, and how I will get there.  I get it.  I see it.  The subtle manipulative ways, somehow, maybe without realizing it, pushing me into a box I didn't fit into.

I realize this all.

But my dreams still haunt me, nonetheless.  And it's always he and CJ, leaving me behind.  It's always that need to lie beside someone.  And I wake up rattled.

And this is where I'm not ready.  This is where I am healing, not healed.  And it will take time.

And a change of environment.

Did I mention I HAVE to move?

I am thankful to get out of the city for a few days.  I will be at the beach with my mother, and I think a change of pace might help me quite a bit.  I need to cleanse myself, purge my mind, and have hope that the dreams will subside.  I need to continue to meditate on the wonderful things to come... my own space, my kittens, the next first.

Things are going up.  I'm meeting wonderful people, making wonderful friends, seeing new interesting twists in life.


With that, I leave you all with an excerpt from a letter:


You ask me what I look for. The answer is, I'm never sure. I'd like to say I'm not looking for anything, but as you described, seeking is an inexplicable part of human nature. However, as opposed to being determined to make everything fit, to have everything in a tidy box with labels as many seem to do, I like to stick with what is in my gut.

The winds have a funny way of telling me things. Even if I am unsure of where I end up, there are times where it becomes obvious that there is a sharp turn in the path ahead. In my experience, this will course through me. And I suppose, maybe that is the looking concept. I understand when I am in for something big. I sort of go along with it, with that feeling. I know I am working on a path, and I try to be patient and observe, though I know that there is a place where this particular path will end. I've met people who I know will lead me to that next big life phase.

I'm starting to get the itch to write again, so I decided to go and look up something I wrote in my last poetry phase.  I found my favorite slam piece, and I think I might try to find the niche of poetry readings in this town, get my freestyle on and just see what occurs.

This is something I wrote after an abusive relationship, after getting screwed over by people I trusted, while stalking some semi-emo writer at the plaid pantry and spending way too much time at work.  So, warning, it is dark, but it rolls in such a delightful way.

( Read more... )</div>

Today was good.  It started with some stress, with Kelly going back to being unsure of what she wants to do with the living situation.  I decided to remedy this by exploring my options with apartments, and so far, I've got hope.  There's a place in SE on 28th and Clay that has studios becoming available at the end of June.  It's a little more south than I was hoping, but realistically, it's nothing for a bike ride.  And I'd be so close to some of my favorite hang outs.  I would also be near the river and closer to Downtown, thus, closer to PSU.  It would be a further ride to work, but this also means more exercise.  Yes.  Marissa will have thighs of steel.  And, in general, that whole area is fairly flat (for someone who lives near Tabor, anyway), so it'd be simple.  I did google street view and poked around.  The area doesn't look too scary, but I think I'll take a ride down there tomorrow just to be sure.

I spent some time with my sister, which was good.  I introduced her to the world of chocolate stouts, although the place didn't have youngs double chocolate, which is superior to all.  I'll have to get her a bottle next time I'm at Belmont Station.

Came home, was feeling sleepy.  Decided to go on a bike ride since I didn't do anything yesterday (Saturday was a long long night and Sunday, I just needed to not move).  I went to the park, couldn't really get into my grove there, and decided to listen to my gut and go to Belmont.

I got there, and didn't know what the fuck to do.  I went into The Blue Monk because I had never been in before, and decided to try a Long Island Iced tea, which I had never had before.  As I sat, slowly and painfully sipping (so sweet and alcoholic), I decided to cure boredom with texting, and realized I hadn't heard from Beth since Friday, and had never heard why she didn't show up on Saturday.  She called, explained the situation (I guess I missed her by about fifteen minutes), and offered to meet me on Belmont.

I couldn't finish my drink... my stomach started to get knotted and my body was warning me about limits, so I decided to make up for it by popping across the street for carbohydrates (pizza) and water.  I was delighted to walk into a jazz trio playing, and decided to take my time there while I waited.  Beth showed up with her other best friend (male variety), and right away, I thought, "wow, I like this guy."

We ended up on a journey.  We went to muddy waters.  We went to an "open house" (party-ish thing).  I met some cool people.  Still, the male best friend and I remained in our own conversation.  We are eerily alike.  We discussed such worldly things as cats, the internet, drum circles, hippies, crazy people, population, poetry, art, the health system, etc.  I found it so strange and intriguing to be so on the same page as someone.  It was definitely awesome.

And I thought... huh, this is why my gut sent me to Belmont today.

So, I have a fabulous new friend.  A male version of me that will high five my outspoken ways.  We are already planning to go to acupuncture together tomorrow if we can get an appointment.

Yes, there will be many dinners together.  Hanging out with the two of them, finding a niche.

And when you read this, which I'm sure you will...

If Beth is in SE, and I am in SE...

You're going to be spending a lot of time in SE.

But don't worry.  We'll give you a place for your head to rest at night.  You will always have a place to stay.

On another note, I was looking back at my entries and reading about my Prozac struggle.

It occurred to me while reading those, that I haven't taken that stuff in weeks.  And I feel great.

Huh.  Maybe the relationship did have more negative effects on me than I was willing to accept.  I guess it's hard parting from good people when you've known so many bad.  But two good people don't always equal happiness.

My life now, is happiness.  My life with a place to call my own, even more happiness.

Living on your own terms?  Rocks.

Everyone needs to try it sometime.

Dear Trimet:

I can forgive a bus that is twenty minutes late.  After all, it is Saturday night.

However.

I do not understand why in like two hours time, only one bus passed on our route.

Do you know how long a walk is from downtown to 39th and Hawthorne?  In combat boots and a dress?  With thighs that touch?

Yes, it is my fault for forgetting my ID, but you could do your fucking job.  Nimrods.

Also?  When you see a couple of girls hauling balls after a bus, wait the twenty seconds it will take for them to catch up.  I realize you were on your final route, but the last thing we really needed after the first walk was a second (albeit shorter but much more painful) walk home.

So much pain and no love,

Me.


Dear self:

Never open a tab again.  You are too dumb to remember your card.  None of this would have happened if you weren't an idiot.

Me.

So, I went and looked at studios.  Found one in a nice location, inquired, and saw that I would be paying between 800 and 1150 in deposits.  For a 450 square foot cube?  Maybe not.  I'll keep it in mind, though.

Kelly and I are going to look at a house on Wednesday that is pretty much 20 blocks away.  I went to check it out... the neighborhood isn't as pretty as ours, and the house certainly isn't as cute... but I don't fear for my life there (seriously, we looked at one on Thursday that had shopping carts in front of it and a questionable stain (blood?  spray paint?) on the front door.

From the pictures, the interior is very beautiful.  The outside?  Well, I think Kelly and I are crafty enough to clean it up a bit... trees, flower beds, maybe a touch of paint and a few reinforcements.

I think if we like this one, I will pay 500 and take the Master.  She will pay 350 and deal with a smaller room.  She will take full reign of the garage, and pay most of the electric bill.

What pisses me off, though, is that Andy might stay here.  I mean, I'm glad, I don't want the cats to move, I'd like to have some of the fruit from the trees that I planted...

But god damn it, you know?  He breaks up with me, he goes out and sleeps with another girl, he keeps the cats, and now the house I want to own.

I am so losing at this break up.

What the fuck.