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She screams at the top of her lungs...

May. 24th, 2010 | 03:04 pm

and says, "I'm whole." 

Wow.  Wowowow.

It's been... a few months short of a year?  I got curious, started reading back... I've realized that I could be on this for days, sifting through words, curious about the me I was.  It feels like reading the words of a stranger, and I feel like I could get lost going all the way back, and then looking for the words that came before that.  But, I have things to do, life to live.  A small, quiet reflection is nice, though.

A simple explanation would be, I've changed, so much.  Documenting this would be a tremendous feat.  But perhaps, I can find a sort of short-hand version.  I don't know if I will continue this journal... I have too many others... paper, pens, blogger, tumblr, myspace... to where I feel the need to pick and choose a select few to focus on.  We'll see.

So, I've changed.  How?

When Andy and I split, it broke one of my final strings.  The fact is, I wasn't a healthy person and definitely not in my right mind.  Reading back, there is so much negativity, so much depression, so much anger.  I led myself to believe that I was in control of things, but it's obvious I wasn't.  I was always planning, scheduling, examining, refining - to have everything fall apart if one little thing went wrong.  I talk about being tired.  Look around at everything else aside from what I truly felt inside.  Placing the blame on everyone else instead.

Andy was right to leave me.  Although he did some things that bothered me, what I did was far worse and far more hypocritical.  It took a while after we parted ways for me to accept this.  I had to start looking deep down inside myself, face the ugly things within.  I had to learn, to accept those things.  These are all things I should have done before entering a relationship with anyone, but I suppose you learn in time.  I'm sorry for him, that he had to be put through that.  I'm sorry for myself, for the loss of a good person.  But at the same time, I know better now and have more optimism.

So what were these things?  A lot of it, unresolved guilt and depression which stemmed from experiences with my father and Zach.  Realizing that I could not change what had happened in my life, but I did have control of the present and future.  Acknowledging that what I did - holding in my secrets, being angry and defensive, staying closed off to the world - had a lot to do with survival.  I was trying to survive, the best I could, but I didn't realize that it was causing more harm than good.  The negativity I felt inside about myself and my past carried over into all aspects of my life - my job, which I constantly complained about (still do, sometimes, but far less and usually interspersed with laughter), my relationship, my friendships, and eventually ate away at my hobbies.  I tried to resolve the holes I felt inside with external factors - relationships, casual sex, alcohol, food, drugs, material goods.  To the outside world, it was viewed as selfishness.  Inside, I tried to justify it all.

The world has a funny way of throwing things back in your face.  Truth cracks.  The negativity I felt inside - I thought I was hiding it from the rest of the world, but now I realize it was painfully obvious.  The world reflected it back onto me.  I lost Andy and our home and cats.  My best friend and roommate at the time wasn't spending much time with me, and moved only 5 months after we had started living together (to be with her significant other, though I suspect that the energy of the house had something to do with it as well).  This really may have been my final string, where I felt like I had lost everything, including control.  The funny thing about rock bottom is that when you have nothing left to lose you are free.

Lucky me, I was able to see this.

This event ended up being one of the greatest turning points of my life.  I was angry and so stressed out at first.  I had just started school (as a psych major), but was lucky enough to be doing some reading about stress at that time.  One thing stood out to me:

Those who are able to view stressors as opportunities are generally happier, more balanced, and exert greater control over their lives.

I decided to try this.  After spending a couple of days thinking negatively about this move, I simply changed my mind.  Instead of seeing it as some sort of end, I saw it as a beginning.  I saw opportunity.  To find a space of my own and have the freedom to decorate it as I please.  To move to a new part of town that suited me better.  To have a space for reflection, meditation, progression.  And I did simply that.

I moved a few miles away to a different area of town - one filled with trees, small coffee shops, and a pub which has slam poetry nights.  It is 4 miles from both my school and my work.  I took my time in considering this new home, looking around on my days off, and stopping only when my intuition told me to.  I had my choice of units and picked one with some lovely plants and trees outside of the patio.  Before I moved, I started on some art work - piecing together room dividers and lamps made from unusual materials.  I got rid of half of my belongings.  I started to learn of the significance of letting go.

It took only a small amount of time to adjust.  I moved during the quarter and still made out with an excellent GPA.  Being in school started to affect me positively.  I was back in a realm where my talents lie, instead of just wishing I could be better at something.  Academia has always been my strong suit, and embracing that fact allowed me to feel better about other things - I could paint or draw or play an instrument badly and not feel frustration over it because I had respect for my talents.

Throughout the term, my studies started to impact me greatly.  I started biking again, regularly.  I became much more confident in my ideas, and slowly changed, from an introvert to an extrovert.  I started going out more and more, saying yes to life and focusing less on mundane things.  I let things go, learned to roll with it because there are a lot of things in life that cannot be controlled.  I learned to accept that things have a funny way of working out in the end.  I embraced the journey, embraced my solitude, embraced my freedom.  I started to look at people differently, understanding that they, too, are trying to survive - mentally, spiritually, emotionally.  I learned to look for the small ties I have to each person I cross paths with - to know that there is something that exists within them that deserves respect and empathy.  I don't hate people.  I can dislike certain behaviors, but at the root of it all, love is what we all need in our lives.

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.

And now?  I'm all about the journey.  I still want to be a counselor, but I'm not in a hurry.  A few months has revealed so much to me - what will happen in a few years?  There are so many things to see and do and understand.  So many stories to hear.  I make plans, but I also accept that plans should be tentative at best.  Life changes, people change, I change, and my dream yesterday may not be my dream today.  Basic goals are nice, though.  

I'm considering working on a dual degree - combining my BS with a degree in Arts and Letters, perhaps with a minor in English.  This is mostly an excuse for me to get as much out of school as I can as long as I am eligible for federal aid.  

Sometime next year, I'll likely be looking to work for a nonprofit as a residential counselor 1 (which you can do without a degree - a good way to gain experience, humble yourself a bit, and test drive the life of a counselor).

And, I'm going to start traveling.  In December, I will be going to Peru for 8 days, but off the beaten path.  My friend and I are extremely curious about culture and the people, so we are striving to stay off of the gringo trail.  Next summer, we are going to Greece but will likely find a way to venture out and visit a few places.  Sometime in the next 5 years, I'd like to take 3 months to backpack around South America and work with volunteer coordinators, shamans, and activists and work for causes outside of myself.  I want to hear stories.  I want to know of all the ways that people heal... and then I want to make my own theoretical orientation.

And love?  Is in my life every day.  Not necessarily romantic love, but love of every bit of life around me.  Love for my friends, who have had a tremendous amount of patience for me and who have helped me more than I can express.

Romantically, I've spent the year more or less on my own.  There have been small passing events - boys that like me that I don't feel the same for and vice versa.  It doesn't bother me.  It's not necessary, just nice.  Recently I have met someone.  We are uncertain about what to call ourselves, but I don't mind it.  We have a mutual understanding that there are feelings involved, and that at this point, honesty is important.  We spend weekends together seeking out adventures around town.  I spent a week after our first kiss with a head full of questions, insecurity, anxiety.  After coming to an agreement - an acknowledgement of aforementioned feelings and honesty, I feel better.  My head is back on straight and I am ready to conquer the world, any day of the week.  I don't know what will come of this, but I have stepped back and accepted that it's not always up to me to decide, so I should just be happy either way.  It's all about the journey.  I am getting better at letting go.

Finally, some important quotes that guide my life.

"To conquer others is to have power.  To conquer yourself is to know the way." - Tao Te Ching (rough translation)

"When a mother suffers because she cannot feed her child, then I suffer as well, for the part of me that is the mother as well as the child." - Guided meditation on oneness and humility

"If there is something in your life that causes you to be unhappy or uncomfortable, there are two ways of looking at this:  you can either try to change the world around you to meet your expectations, or you can simply change your mind.  The first takes you down a path of stress and anxiety with no known end.  The latter gives you instantaneous relief." - Midnights with the mystic (rough translation)

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Aug. 26th, 2009 | 01:31 pm

I feel haggard.  I've spent the last few weeks picking up hours at work, going back and forth between swing shift and graveyard without consecutive days off.  The last two that I had were spent at the dentist getting a wisdom tooth surgically extracted from inside of my jaw, and the rest was spent in a medicine sleep.

I am trying to part from the medication I am given for it, but by the end of the day, it feels like my head has been hit with a brick, and I cave.  Lately, I am constantly tired, feel weak, and have nausea as part of the side effects.  My legs struggle when biking and I have been taking the max home after my shifts because of this.

I have this Friday and Saturday off.  It wasn't supposed to be this way, just another single day off, but there was a trade.  I am relieved for it, because I don't think I'd make it.  My body is in serious need of rest and rejuvination. I can feel it breaking down under the medicine and under the stress.  I have a sinus infection that refuses to part ways.

So, this weekend is about the bliss of nothingness.  I have two days off, one one, two off again.

I am going to start by letting my body rest Friday. Do not push self to do chores or run errands.  I will stay home and rest.  Lie in my bed and listen to meditative music and eat soup and drink tons of water.

It needs to be done.

I won't make specific plans for the rest.  All I know is that at some point, acupuncture needs to be done, and at another, I need to return to yoga.  But my body needs some help.  My heart needs some help.

But for now, work.  I am so fucking sick of it.

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Jul. 16th, 2009 | 02:40 pm

Words make me miserable.  I felt I understood them better once.  They used to be a part of me and now they are falling apart.

It's been years.  I blame my tendency to fall too into my lovers lives and not share my own, nor embrace it.  I'm peeling away the layers, trying to find what I am inside.  I resent love because somehow, through it's journey, I've forgotten who I am at the core of this.

I used to be words.  I used to be a philosopher in my own way.  I used to mold the world however I wanted on the page.  I got wrapped up in them.  In Andy, I at least recognized I had started to forfeit my sense of self to his selfishness - his desire and need to embrace only his hobbies and dreams, never really meeting in the middle.  I fought it.  He couldn't take it.  He left, telling me he couldn't love someone who doesn't love themselves.  I said, I do love myself, but I've been losing myself to your path and that's what makes me crazy.

But still, it hurts.  It hurts to know that someone so incredible can live with such a closed mind, who in the end chose to kick down the wounded.  Rejection is never easy, and I accept the blame for not handling it better on my end.  It seems that I lacked enough patience to show him love through our differences, even when it existed.  Too much understanding and too many words were grasped far too late.  I'm not sure I could ever make him understand, but so far, he's the one I've had the most hope in.  It makes me worry for the future, and the people who will walk into my life.

I realize that all anyone ever really wants is to be loved, despite how hard they act.  I haven't been myself.  I've chosen distractions over the pain.  I drink, smoke, and fuck like a professional, but when I lie in bed alone at night it weighs on me.  I finally understood what it was like to be loved back, only to watch that shatter.  I miss the warmth and comfort.  I miss the feelings of purity and innocence.  I miss being the only one in another's eyes.  I miss the beginning where I felt understood.

I'm not sure where the understanding was lost - perhaps there are such concepts of too honest or too crazy or too messed up of a life to accept - but it was there once.  When it faded, I became frustrated, angry, hostile.  Communication changed then faded.  Things were too hard.  He stayed out later.  I hid in sleep more.  We fought.  I lost interest in doing things.  Sometimes I felt I wasn't making my own decisions.  The light that he had shown me dimmed and died.  I missed when things were simple.

And now, I struggle in new ways.  I got hurt by the same souce of light - the innocence and love.  I tried putting up a wall like I once had - tried to embrace the darker side of myself that feeds off of shallow things.  The wall doesn't work.  Somewhere inside of me I know that love exists - for myself and for others - and I know how much better it is than the misadventures my dark side has created.  The light is in that and it craves to burn brightly again, but the pain is still overwhelming.  I fight to get out of my rut every day when I make the decision of whether to stay in or go out.  Inside, I am protected from further pain.  I am free to be as crazy as I need to be.  I am not judged.  I don't have to act like I am together.  Outside, I have more opportunity to heal - through exercise, social interaction, adventures.  I can create a new world with new people, but at the same time, I still hurt and it makes me tired and I sometimes have to put a mask on.  It wears me out to put on a facade.  Then again, sometimes faking it is the best way to actually start being it.

So I am on a quest to expand my world.  I am on a spiritual quest to calm my pain and reclaim myself.  I must know that I will not always make it out, but I must try.  Fatigue has many sources, and sometimes my job will have me needing to catch up on sleep.  But.  I can't hide if I feel depressed.  I can't hide if I am scared.  The way to heal will have to be a balance between isolation and socialization, staying in or going out, reconnecting with words and reconnecting with the world.  Meditation and conversation.


Jaime.  I know I owe you a letter and then some.  I'll work on it tonight at work if it's not too crazy there.

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Jun. 10th, 2009 | 01:58 pm

I am moved.  I am on a curious, only semi reliable borrowed internet.  Ahem.

Things are well.  I do feel a million percent better than I did.

We have our rooms set up.  All we need now is to finish off kitchen and living area.

I am quite smitten with this little house.

I love my roommate.  And everyone who helped move.

It's amazing.

Simply amazing.

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Jun. 7th, 2009 | 10:05 pm

moving starting tomorrow.  net will go bye bye for a few weeks.

it's okay.

i can pop in at random coffee shops and say hello, which i will when i can.

service will be back up as soon as possible.

other than that, i'm tired, ready for this bullshit to be over with.  i'm so tired.  and so sick of the male gender at the moment.

now andy is being tolerable and cj is being an ass.

it's always something.

jesus christ.

talk to you soon.

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Something about yesterday.

Jun. 5th, 2009 | 08:13 am

That storm yesterday?  Caused something interesting in town.

For the first time in my four years at that hospital, mass casualties were called.  Something about the storm.  People having severe respiratory failure.  I am not one hundred percent on what happened, but it sounds like it was either severe allergic reactions when the wind started blowing, or some sort of water lung from the acute shift in weather.

Crazy night.  Need sleep now.

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She said that once she knew someone, now he's gone....

May. 29th, 2009 | 03:15 pm

Alright, so he showed up for the thing.  Called me about a half an hour after I called him and said he was on his way home.

He went downstairs to wake CJ, and I heard him call me insane.  He knew I was in earshot.  He didn't deny it.

Apparently me being stressed out because the two dumbfucks couldn't communicate with me makes me insane.  All I asked was to decide a time, and get back to me.  It had to be done today because I cannot get on the lease at my new place without getting off the lease here first.

I talked to him about it, and he half-assedly apologized.  A lot of words were exchanged, until finally, through tears, I said,

"After all of this is over, I'm only calling you to straighten out the final utilities.  I don't want to stay friends with you."

Finally, he showed he has some shred of a soul left and cried.  Started mumbling things about artwork he wanted to create for me and all of that.

I said, "that's up to you.  If you want to be friends, then I need to see the good in you.  All I've seen is the asshole you've let take over, and I'm sick of it.  I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.  I've worked too damn hard to pick myself up from it, and I'll be damned if I let someone kick me down with their words, even if I loved them once."

In all reality, I think I just let go.  I am done with this person in my life.

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May. 29th, 2009 | 08:11 am

Wow.  So pissed.  So very pissed.

We are supposed to go to the rental company before 11 to sign me off of the lease.

Guess who isn't here?

Right.  Andy.  After I told him a million times.

God damn it.

I am so mad.

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When things get rough...

May. 28th, 2009 | 07:28 pm

Somehow, they look up.  We got the house.  The deposit is more than I had hoped.  But we will deal.  I'll be just barely getting by without a cash advance.  That makes me happy enough.

Kitties coming home tomorrow.  Sylvia and I will be watching cartoons and hanging out with them for much of the night.

So excited.

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May. 27th, 2009 | 11:05 am

June 8th.

Thank god.

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